There's another thing: A little boy achieves male maturity over his mother's dead body. And don't forget it. He doesn't just kill her; he "stabs" her slowly. Let me explain. I think many little boys are afraid of the male thing ahead. Not all of them are like this, of course. Some just sail through but there are others that ask anxiously, "Will I ever become a proper male?" In those cases the mother is in his way. If she is too close, the child may feel swallowed up by her. After all, she is a woman. She stands between him and being a man. The boys who struggle most are sometimes the ones who have had the closest relationship with their mothers. So what do they do to get her out of the way? They have to "kill" her. Killing is the little boy who said, "Your breath stinks." This was his way of establishing his masculinity. That episode was very hard for the mother, who felt rejected and wounded by her son, but it was a transition they had to endure. Mothers whose sons suddenly go through this kind of alienation are inclined to ask themselves, "What am I doing wrong? I don't know what to do. The kid is a little tyrant." Well, hang in there. Better days are coming.
But what if better days don't come? What if Junior's attitude goes from bad to worse in adolescence? I'm sure that has happened, or eventually will happen, with one or more of your children. It is hormonally driven and occurs in the best of families. When hostility and rebellion begin to appear, how do you keep your boys (and girls) from blowing up and doing something stupid? I've addressed that subject in other books, but let me offer a recent finding that I haven't shared before. The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health surveyed 11,572 teenagers to determine which factors were most helpful in preventing harmful behavior, such as violence, suicide, substance abuse, early sexual behavior, and teen pregnancy. Here's what the researchers found: The presence of parents is very beneficial at four key times of the day—early morning, after school, dinnertime, and bedtime. When that regular contact is combined with other shared activities between parents and kids, the most positive outcome is achieved. The researchers also observed that adolescents who felt a sense of connection with their parents (feelings of warmth, love, and caring) were least likely to engage in harmful behavior.
Some of my readers might be asking, "How can I be with my teenagers morning, noon, and night? I have altogether too much work to do." Well, you simply have to decide what is most important to you at this time. It won't matter as much a few years down the road, but your availability right now could make the difference for your child between surviving or plunging off the cliff.
My father and mother were faced with the same difficult choice when I was sixteen years old. Dad was an evangelist who was gone most of the time, while my mother was home with me. During the adolescent years, I began to get testy with my mother. I never went into total rebellion, but I was definitely flirting with the possibility. I'll never forget the night my mom called my dad on the phone. I was listening as she said, "I need you." To my surprise, my dad immediately cancelled a four-year slate of meetings, sold our home, and moved seven hundred miles south to take a pastorate so he could be with me until I finished high school. It was an enormous sacrifice for him to make. He never fully recovered professionally from it. But he and Mom felt my welfare was more important than their immediate responsibilities. Dad was home with me during those two volatile years when I could have gotten into serious trouble. When I speak with reverence about my parents today, as I often do, one of the reasons is because they gave priority to me when I was sliding close to the brink. Would you do the same for your teenagers?
Book: Bringing Up Boys
By Dr. James Dobson