There are other factors that wound the spirit, of course. One of them is the extreme emphasis on body image that now invades the souls of very young children. Life can be difficult for a boy who is odd or different in an obvious way—whose nose is crooked, or whose skin is pock-marked or acned, or whose hair is too curly or too straight, or whose feet are too big, or who has one crossed eye, or whose ears protrude, or whose behind is too large. Those with red hair can be teased unmercifully from the preschool years. In fact, a youngster can be physically perfect except for a single embarrassing feature, yet under a barrage of taunts, he or she will worry about that one deficiency as though it were the only important thing in life. For a period of time, it is precisely that.
Author Frank Peretti coined the term "wounded spirits" and used it as the title of his excellent book based on his own childhood experience. He was born with a tumor in his jaw that disfigured him and led to unmerciful taunting during his childhood. He saw himself as a "monster," because that is what he was called by other children.14 Frank is joined by millions of others who have been through years of rejection and ridicule because of a physical abnormality or unsightly characteristic.
This vulnerability to one's peers has always been part of the human experience, but today's children and teens are even more sensitive to it. The reason is that popular culture has become a tyrannical master that demands ever-greater conformity to its shifting ideal of perfection. For example, if you have had an occasion to watch an old Elvis Presley movie, you must have noticed that the girls who were paraded in bikinis were slightly overweight and out of shape. There they were, "twisting" their corpulent behinds to the delight of Elvis and the other oversexed members of his band. But those actresses who seemed so luscious in 1960 could not make it on Baywatch today. Most of them would need to spend a year or two in the gym and undergo breast augmentation to make the grade. In Rembrandt's day, the women considered exceptionally beautiful were downright fat. Today, extreme thinness and "hard bodies" have become the ideal—sometimes bordering on masculinity. In short, the standard of perfection has shifted upward and been placed out of reach for most kids.
The media and the entertainment industry are largely responsible for the assault we are witnessing today. They laud images of bodily perfection, including "supermodels," "playmates," "babes," and "hunks." The net effect on children and teens is profound, not only in this country but around the world. We saw it illustrated dramatically when Western satellite TV transmission penetrated the islands of the South Pacific for the first time. It projected images of gorgeous, very thin actresses who starred on Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210, and other teen-oriented shows. Four years later, a survey of sixty-five Fijian girls revealed how their attitudes had been shaped (or warped) by what they had seen. Almost immediately, the girls began to dress and try to fix their hair like Western women. Dr. Anne Beecher, research director at the Harvard Eating Disorder Center, also observed serious changes in eating habits among the Fijian adolescents. Those who watched TV three times per week or more were 50 percent more likely to perceive themselves as "too big" or "too fat" than those who did not. More than 62 percent had attempted to diet in the previous thirty days.
A youngster does not have to be obese to feel this pressure. A study conducted at the University of California some years ago revealed 80 percent of girls in the fourth grade were attempting to diet because they perceived themselves as fat. Another study, this one also out of date now, revealed that half of elementary-school children, ages eight to eleven, reported dissatisfaction with their weight. It is my belief that the numbers would be even more shocking today. Dr. Mary Sanders and her colleagues at Stanford University School of Medicine speculated that the root causes of anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and other eating disorders might be found in these early experiences. She and her colleagues believe that today's youth "are immersed in a culture where messages about dieting are prevalent." Guess why? Because messages about "fatness" are so incredibly threatening that even those who are thin become terrified by the prospect of gaining weight. No wonder eating disorders are rampant among the young.
This obsession with one's weight appears to have affected the late Princess Diana of the United Kingdom, whom some would say was the most glamorous and beautiful woman in the world. She certainly was one of the most photographed, as evidenced by the paparazzi that tracked her to the very final moment of her life. No other person generated the level of support for charities and causes quite like Diana, princess of Wales. Given her glamour and beauty and her enormous influence around the world, isn't it almost incomprehensible that Diana had a very poor body image—that she disliked what she saw in the mirror and that, for a time, she struggled with an eating disorder? How could a woman of such wealth and popularity descend into self-loathing and depression?
Perhaps Diana's damaged self-concept wasn't as strange as it might have seemed. Our value system is arranged so that few women feel entirely at ease with their physical bodies. Even Miss America or Miss Universe competitors will admit, if they're honest, that they are bothered by their physical flaws. If those who are blessed with great beauty and charm often struggle with feelings of inadequacy, imagine how your immature, gangly teenagers feel about the imperfect bodies with which they're born. The beauty cult is an international curse plaguing hundreds of millions of people, most of them young, with a sense of inferiority. Even the late princess fell victim to it.
Now, the illustrations I've provided herein have focused primarily on girls and women. Why are they also of relevance to boys and men? Because this preoccupation with physical perfection and body image has become as serious a problem for males as for females. Research reveals that there is now no difference between the sexes in this regard. Boys want desperately to be big, powerful, and handsome. By the age of four, they will flex their little biceps by holding up their arms, making a fist, and pointing to the bump where a muscle will someday grow (hopefully). "Feel it, Dad," they will say. "See how big it is?" "Yeah, Son," fathers are supposed to reply, "you are really strong."
Young boys wear Superman and Batman capes, cowboy clothes, and the funny little loincloths Tarzan wore to show that they are "bad"—meaning cool. This masculine "will to power" is why boys fight, climb, wrestle, strut, and show off. It is the way they are made. This is why when a boy is slow in developing or is smaller than his peers, he often suffers from self-image problems. Just put yourself in the position of a tiny boy who is taunted and shoved around by every other kid in his class—one who is even shorter than the girls, one who lacks the strength to compete in sports—and one who is called "Runt," "Squirt," "Gnat," or "Killer." After he runs that gauntlet for a few years, his spirit begins to bleed.
I remember sitting in my car one day at a fast-food restaurant eating a hamburger and french fries. (This was before a heart attack took the joy out of eating!) I happened to look in the rearview mirror in time to see a scrawny, dirty little kitten walking on a ledge behind my car. It looked so pitiful and sick. I've always been a sucker for an underdog—or in this case, an undercat—and I couldn't resist this one. I got out, tore off a piece of my hamburger, and tossed it to the kitty. But before the kitty could reach the morsel, a huge tomcat sprang from the bushes and gobbled it down. I felt sorry for the little guy, who turned and shrank back into the shadows. Although I called and offered him another bite, he was too afraid to come out again. I was immediately reminded of my years as a junior-high teacher. I saw teenagers every day who were just as needy—just as deprived, just as lost as that little kitten. It wasn't food they were after; they needed love, attention, and respect. Some were almost desperate to get it. When they dared to open up and "reach for a prize," such as asking for a date or going out for a team sport, one or more of the popular kids would intimidate them and send them scurrying back to the shadows, frightened and alone. It happens routinely on every campus.
A mother called me a few weeks ago to say she was extremely concerned about her twelve-year-old son, Brad. She had found him crying two nights earlier and pressed him to tell her why. The boy reluctantly admitted through his tears that he didn't want to live and that he had been looking for a way to kill himself. He had read that toothpaste could be harmful if swallowed, so he was considering eating an entire tube. This family is one of the strongest and most impressive I have had the privilege of knowing, yet right under the parents' noses, their precious son was considering suicide. Brad had always been a good boy who had many friends, yet he had encountered a problem with which he couldn't cope. After working their way through the crisis, the parents learned that a boy at school had been making fun of Brad's ears because they protruded a bit. The bully had made him feel like the most stupid-looking person in school. When they passed in the hall, the harasser would put his hands behind his own ears and press them forward.
Some of my readers might consider Brad's personal crisis to be silly. I've heard some people say in similar situations, "Come on. This is just kid stuff. He'll get over it. We've all been through moments like that." They are right. Most of us have been taunted or ridiculed by our peers. But we must never underestimate the distress that can occur in what looks like "no big deal" to an adult, especially for kids who are already wounded from other sources. In Brad's case, it even took away his desire to live. Parents should never brush off an experience of this nature, nor should threats of suicide be taken lightly. Even if you are raising your children in a healthy, safe, loving environment, you must keep your eyes and ears open during their teen years. Adolescent emotions are volatile, and they can lead to dangerous developments that materialize out of nowhere. Boys, far more often than girls, turn to antisocial behavior when they are backed into a corner.
So what are you to do when you see a child being besieged by his peers? In Brad's case, I advised his mom to talk to the mother of the bully. Rather than attacking her son verbally, which would have invited instant retaliation and greater trouble, I suggested that Brad's mother explain that she had a problem and would appreciate the other mom's help in handling the situation. She did just that. The two women talked together and discussed their mutual concerns. Although the other boy's mom was somewhat defensive, the bullying stopped and the issue was laid to rest. Brad's family also sought professional counseling to help their son deal with the deeper self-image problems and personal insecurities that had arisen.
I also suggested to this mother (and now to you, at the risk of seeming self-serving) that she get a copy of my book entitled Preparing for Adolescence. It is intended not for parents but for pre-teens. The first chapter deals with the assault on self-worth that is almost certain to occur in the early adolescent years. They also tell a boy or girl how to brace themselves for these experiences. If we as adults know these difficult days are coming and don't make an effort to get our kids ready for them, we are not doing our job. The details are all in the book and tapes. I hope you will find them helpful.
By the way, the advice I gave Brad's mom was somewhat risky. I knew she could pull it off, because she is such a wise and nonthreatening lady. But her conversation with the other woman about her son was difficult and could have backfired. Mother bears can be shockingly cranky when someone is criticizing their cubs. Furthermore, some moms have no control over their unruly kids and couldn't resolve the conflict even if they wanted to. In those cases, other approaches may be tried. Some of them are not so helpful. When I was a school psychologist, I knew a mother who became so angry over the bullying of her son that she managed on her own to corner the perpetrator. She worked him over like a marine sergeant going after a recruit. I saw the bully a few days later and he was still ashen. I asked, "What did Mrs. Jordan say to you?" He said, "She ... she ... told me if I didn't leave her son alone she was gonna kill me." Obviously, that was not the best solution. But I will tell you this. Mrs. Jordan got her point across and the bullying went quietly into the night.
Book: Bringing Up BoysBy Dr. James Dobson