For a book by E. A. Douvan, Adolescent Girls, nearly two thousand girls from eleven to eighteen years of age were asked, "What would you most like to change about yourself if you could . . . your looks, your personality, or your life!" Fifty-nine percent mentioned some aspect of their physical appearance. Only 4 percent desired greater ability. The most common personal dissatisfaction for both boys and girls concerns facial defects, primarily skin problems. In a later study by H. V. Cobb, children in grades four and older were asked to complete the sentence, "I wish I were . . ." The majority of the boys answered "taller" and the girls answered "smaller." Certainly there is a great volume of scientific evidence to document children's preoccupation and dissatisfaction with their own physical characteristics.
My child is often ridiculed and hurt by the other children on our block, and I don't know how to handle the situation. He gets very depressed and comes home crying frequently. How should I respond when this happens?
When your child has been rejected in this manner, he is badly in need of a friend -- and you are elected. Let him talk. Don't try to tell him that it doesn't hurt or that it's silly to be so sensitive. Ask him if he knows what it is that his "friends" don't like. He may be causing their reaction by dominance, selfishness, or dishonesty. Be understanding and sympathetic without weeping in mutual despair. As soon as appropriate, involve yourself with him in a game or some other activity he will enjoy. Finally, set about resolving the underlying cause.
I would suggest that you ask your child to invite one of his school friends to go to the zoo on Saturday, or offer some other attractive "bait." They might spend the night at your house. Genuine friendship often grows from such beginnings. Even the hostile children on the block may be more kind when only one of them is invited at a time. Not only can you help your child make friends in this way, but you can observe the social mistakes he is making to drive them away. The information you gain can later be used to help him improve his relationships with others.
My ten-year-old daughter hates to have her hair braided in pigtails because her friends don't wear theirs that way. I have always loved pigtails, ever since I was a little girl. Am I wrong to make her please me by wearing her hair the way I want it?
Yes, particularly if it makes your daughter feel unnecessarily different and foolish with her friends. Social pressure on the nonconformist is severe, and you should not place your daughter in this uncomfortable position. Closeness between generations comes from the child's knowledge that parents understand and appreciate feelings. Your inflexibility on this point reveals a lack of empathy and may bring later resentment.
The New Hide or Seek
By Dr. James Dobson