Question: My wife and I are extremely busy during this period of our lives. My job takes me on the road several days a week, and my wife has become very successful as a real estate agent. Quite honestly, we are not able to spend much time with our three children, but we give them our undivided attention when we are together. My wife and I wish we had more family time, but we take comfort in knowing that it's not the quantity of time between parents and child that really matters; it's the quality of time that makes the difference. Would you agree with that statement?
Answer: Permit me to respond to your question by a back-door approach which may seem irrelevant, at first. As a person who earns part of his living by use of the King's English, I often find myself examining the validity of folk wisdom and cliches which have been accepted prima facie within our culture. While discussing the legal ramifications of pornography with a friend, for example, he confidently uttered that familiar phrase, "Well, you can't legislate morality, you know." I nodded in agreement, but later asked myself, "Why not?"
It is immoral to kill, rape, slander, defraud, and plunder, yet we have managed to legislate against these behaviors, haven't we? Is not all criminal law based on the prohibition of certain inherently evil acts? Indeed, we would be in a mess if our lawmakers truly believed, "You can't legislate morality, you know."
Returning to the question of quantity versus quality in parent child relationships, we confront yet another widely quoted cliche that is equally porous. Without intending disrespect for the father who asked the above question, this phrase is bandied about by overcommitted and harassed parents who feel guilty about the lack of time they spend with their children. Their boys and girls are parked at child care centers during the day and with baby sitters at night, leaving little time for traditional parenting activities. And to handle the discomfort of neglecting their children, Mom and Dad cling to a catch-phrase that makes it seem so healthy and proper: "Well, you know, it's not he quantity of time that matters, it's the quality of you togetherness that counts."
There is a grain of truth in most popular notions, and this one is no exception. We can all agree that there is no benefit in being with our children seven days a week if we are angry, oppressive, unnurturing and capricious with them. But from that point forward, the quantity versus quality issue runs aground. Simply stated, that dichotomy will not be tolerated in any other area of our lives; why do we apply it only to children? Let me illustrate.
Let's suppose you are very hungry, having eaten nothing all day. You select the best restaurant in your city and ask the waiter for the finest steak on his menu. He replies that the filet mignon is the house favorite, and you order it charcoal-broiled, medium rare. The waiter returns twenty minutes later with the fare and sets it before you. There in the center of a large plate is a lonely piece of meat, one inch square, flanked by a single bit of potato.
You complain vigorously to the waiter. "Is this what you call a steak dinner?"
He then replies, "Sir, how can you criticize us before you taste that meat? I have brought you one square inch of the finest steak money can buy. It is cooked to perfection, salted with care, and served while hot. In fact, I doubt if you could get a better piece of meat anywhere in the city. I'll admit that the serving is small, but after all, sir, everyone knows that it isn't the quantity that matters; it's the quality that counts in steak dinner."
"Nonsense!" you reply, and I certainly agree. You see, the subtlety of this simple phrase is that it pits two necessary virtues in opposition to one another and invites us to choose between them. If quantity and quality are worthwhile ingredients in family relationships, then why not give our kids both? It is insufficient to toss our "hungry" children an occasional bit of steak, even it if is prime, corn-fed filet mignon.
My concern is that the quantity versus quality cliche has become, perhaps, a rationalization for giving our kids neither!
By Dr. James Dobson